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Trocmagic
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Name: David
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Palo Alto
Birthday: 5/30/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: MLK, video games, chess, watching baseball (go A's!), lying on my bed thinking... mmmm... thinking...
Expertise: Just well-rounded good :)
Occupation: Full Time Student
Message: message me
AIM:  Trocmagic
Member Since:
2/18/2003
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| Basically, life's busy. So to show I'm alive, I'll leave a quiz instead. Tell me how you do! (if you like quizzes, that is)
http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,660205799,00.html
I got a B+-- I'm a bit shaky on the sacraments, and I admittedly know too little about Buddhism :( -- so if you want to educate me, feel free :)
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| I forgot to let y'all know that I graduated. With a degree in American Studies. And I'm working around campus the next year, while applying for a grad school/ PhD track in history/religious studies.
Work starts tomorrow, actually.
It's nice how much has fallen into place these last few months... God has really been providing/blessing me recently.
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| http://www.xanga.com/Trocmagic/629126723/enh.html, written in the middle of Fall quarter. (which you can read if you just scroll down)
Still feelin' that, actually. This is more of an emotional post instead of the other type of post I do (which is more, uh, sermonizing, though all my posts have some measure of both)
One of my IV residents asked me at dinner today told me he was debating whether to staff or do ministry team for next year. As someone who's done both, I think I offered a few points of advice-- probably more to MT than staff-- but afterward, I guess I needed to justify to myself why I was trying to push him to MT.
I think a lot of it is that... to be honest... right now I'm hardly the effective, witnessing staff member that is another person in God's search for people to find Him. And if that's not the reason why I'm on staff, it just feels so... empty. I don't care about my efficacy at it-- and I'm still doing a decent, if not excellent job-- when I think about why I joined. It's late in the year-- only one third left-- and I still don't feel as if I've built a deep connection. A few strong connections, a few partners/hangout buddies, yes. But my witnessing role-- the supposed liberation that comes from being a child of God, the fortitude, the quiet convictions, the advice... all that, I feel, has been replaced with a shallow self that is investing time in games, relaxation and the Internet.
And I don't like my shallow self. I'm too steeped in the ideal of evangelism and too introspective to be content with shallowness. I don't necessarily want to preach, to lecture, to give the fire and brimstone talks that so many associate with born-again, evangelical approaches-- I've given that up, somewhat repented. But I don't want to give up the right to voice my beliefs, and voice where those beliefs come from-- which is rooted in the idea of a loving God and of humankind that is, if not wholly evil, definitely not good by its own nature. But I don't feel like I have the deep relationships, the cachet to effectively witness-- to be a part of God's mission to reach to the people surrounding me, to be an effective partner with the ministry team here.
In a large part, this has been a failed year. I feel now that I want those deep friendships so badly that I'm running into the fear that I'm drawing too heavily from people-- that my own desire to be a helper or just my sheer loneliness coerces the friends I have into giving time to me. I also still feel very isolated-- without accountability, without so many of the support networks that I've had in the past. In some part, I'm torn between several different impulses-- the fear of leaning too much on other people/their time, the overwhelming desire to fight off the feeling of isolation and the like. I don't have and I haven't found a circle of Christian friends who I can lean on in times of trouble anymore-- which sounds shocking, but quite frankly, I'm not sure many do. I don't know. I feel frustrated that I haven't been able to really find someone like myself who I can be accountable with, short of the Boss Man (who transcends simple gender roles) himself. And I find myself unable to lean on so many others that I used to-- without finding replacements. It's not REALLY the stress, the other excuses I throw up to, well, excuse my lack of performance or my loneliness or my emotional state. It's deeper-- I am discontent with who I am, I find myself lacking the optimism and the, well, faith in other people that I used to hold.
Yet that's the danger of seeking validation through people. Truth be told, I have tried to scale back the amount of sheer emotional investment in other people this year, largely because, well, I never really felt appreciated for it. Maybe I need the tough talk, the realization that people don't want to come to me for emotional support-- and that's why I feel that by and large, people don't come to me anymore. There are so many lives, so many people at Stanford who I've interacted with-- yet when I'm leaving, I still don't feel like I've left with a support network, with a group of people that will care about me, will keep up supporting me in prayer, a group of people to turn to. Instead, I feel a little like a kind jailer leaving the prison cells-- they kind of like me because I'm not brutal and because I show compassion, but that's hardly a type of relationship to build up afterward. I also feel a little overwhelmed and tired with dealing with all the complaints, all the negativity around this dorm, around my friends, around the people I interact with. Instead of building a deep relationship where I can both receive and be able to actually influence change versus cathartic release, I'm just... kind of a dumping vessel for people. I offer chocolate. Like... no one hates me. People think nice thoughts about me, I'm sure.
But I'm not seeking that. I'm not simply seeking to just doing my job. I'm seeking to, within the boundaries of staffing, be a witness, to affect the lives of those around me not just in getting them through some test with little actual significance or through some breakup or through some job search or through a million other minor events... I'm seeking to build deep friendships. That go beyond that. But so many people I've reached out to over the years aren't really reaching back-- with their own lives.
I note I'm doing what my campus minister noted that I do-- I'm trying to explain my emotional state, but I leave enough hints and signs that say I know what is the right action to do, but I can't seem to find the emotional strength to pull through. Truth be told, I feel, quite frankly, that I'm drawing too much validation from people. And I'm finding myself spent and frustrated because all my efforts aren't producing results that I can see are valuable. I don't feel like I'm actually affecting anything, which for me is actually serious. I don't necessarily believe that I can change the world, or that I'm a miracle worker, or that I'm somebody important. But I DO believe that, quite frankly, I can influence the lives of those around me, that part of my calling from God is to do that. There is a part of the Greatest Commandments to love God with everything and one's neighbor as oneself that includes the Great Commission's call. I think it's the whole idea I heard that if God took the church out, should/would the world actually look different-- and it definitely should look different/worse. Yet if God took me out of Okada/Stanford, what would be the result? I mean, true, a lot of why I'm here is to study, is to write my stupid Honors thesis, is to grow in that, to grow in my calling. Yet if I can't take the time out now, what's to say I can take the time out later? Would people be substantially different? Would people be less (or more!) inclined to see God? Have my actions actually brought Him honor, as what remains one of my fundamental goals of life?
I think I raise these questions because these are what's important behind staffing. Ideals ARE important, despite the poor results, in that they constantly act as the pillar of fire, as the guiding light that illuminates the path-- though they may not illuminate the best one necessarily. And I feel like, while I'm not a failure to the staffing program, I'm failing my ideals (which isn't all that unique) in being the Christian staffer that, fundamentally, builds relationships with people and builds the foundation for mutual respect, and thus mutual change and witnessing. I don't know-- I feel that if I evaluate myself on the simple basis of how good I'm doing as staff, I'm doing ok-- people are getting to know each other, they don't hate the dorm, I fix their computers, etc. I provide a place to hang out, I offer chocolate. But that's not enough, and that shouldn't be enough, and I find myself not being able to give enough.
A lot of this is also a reaction to the fact that there's not the greatest support network around me anymore, as I've alluded to in the past. I feel a constant pattern in my life is switching my friends-- people that I was close to drift farther apart, which I respond by having new friends. I don't know why. I initiate-- far more than I am initiated with, I feel-- with past friends, yet while I get the sense that they don't mind spending time with me, it's largely a wasted effort. I don't know who, outside of intimates (as in, family/Iris) I'd trust with really, really knowing me well (I could put up one of those stupid friend quizzes to prove that point), and truth be told, there is a point where I feel like it's me. I mean, it's not just old friends as in high school/college. In high school, I was the nomad figure that balanced time with several groups of people. But also here, people that I would have revealed everything to a year ago seem somehow... distant. People I spent an entire year on a ministry team with seem invested with their own lives-- and I somehow feel like I'm the one who's trying to hold my end of the bridge. I don't really want to go to my BAyUP reunion for precisely that reason-- that I just don't know if it has what I'm searching for.
I don't mean to offend anyone. Heck, I don't even know if the problem is with others or myself. Or both, as I usually tell others it is. But I feel that for all the time I invested in other people... there are so many fewer that are investing time back with me. And it's usually on their terms. And I hate to admit this, but I am needy at the moment. There's a part of me that's feeling that I'm helping hold together so much-- the job search people, the emotionally unstable, the failing in school, the dating couples, the drama-- yet all the serving/fixing I'm trying to do is creating a dry, dry state within me. And I don't feel I can get at the root of the problems-- which is far more than a simple C/D, far more than a job, far more than a girlfriend-- but is the feeling of mission, feeling of wanting something to live for, the fear of not living up to those standards, the feeling of wanting to, well, do right. And even in my holding together, I am, truth be told, not feeling the love. Maybe it's because I'm really bad at it. Maybe it's because my emotional strength isn't one that is meant to support so much other stuff.
Or maybe it's because I don't drop my own barriers and shields. Now, if you know me, I tend to view Christian jargon with a little suspicion-- it's so easy to SAY the right things, but feel different. I struggle with this-- that's what makes supporting me so damn hard, because I refuse to simply accept advice that would be, for example, turn to God. We're too big, our problems are too vast for simple pithy statements like "God loves you," although they are puny in comparison to the experience of God's actual love. I've struggled with my faith these past few years, and I both long for the simpler days of before and cherish the larger complexity of now. In other words, it's not really growth-- it's change. Yet I want to grow as well. I don't know if I'm looking for a quick fix. In some ways, I'm looking for friendship. Maybe it's selfish, and truth be told, I don't really care. But yet I'm also looking deeper-- looking for some sign, some encouragement that beyond all the problems of the people surrounding me, God is present, God is in control, things will be okay with our effort behind it.
This is, to some extent, a public broadcast of the internal tensions within me. A lot of that is because I feel I keep too much within-- I have to be invited to share what I feel. Maybe I have some hidden Savior complex-- maybe it really is my refusal to simply lower my shields and barriers for others (though so many of my problems are rooted in my faith that I can't find myself explaining them without). Hey. I'm not going to sugarcoat Christianity, say it's easy, say it's some type of fix-all cure, say that there are quick solutions to all problems in prayer/petition/blind faith. It's hard. It's a grind. Faith is hard. Yet it is ultimately rewarding.
But that's not a message that I feel my residents want to hear. I've heard my faith described as too serious, as too scary, as too much to invest. Truth be told, those are compliments to me, in a way. Yet I can't sugarcoat it, I can't dilute it, I can't simply dismiss those fears.
I've been told that I'm too negative, that I don't focus on the upside-- that even my idea of God's love has been tempered with the idea that He is also just. Yet I don't understand how to break out of that-- how to celebrate when I see so little to celebrate and so much work to do-- so much work that I can't imagine it being done by any means except Jesus' return. Where I don't really feel liberated by God personally-- saved through the blood of Christ, transformed by love doesn't mean I'm not needy. It means, though, that I recognize my need for God. Yet I feel like I started the dark part of the soul quest early-- where I both feel God's approval and deafening silence, my own weakness, my own failure. It's odd. I have faith in prayers, except my own. I have a strong belief that God is present and in control, yet I don't believe that he's working in my mission field. I don't feel like I've rejected God, but that he's letting me spin around for whatever good reasons he has (which I do believe are good). Maybe it's the whole rock bottom thing-- I have to keep spiraling down, and keep recognizing His strength when mine is spent, His way where there seems to be no way.
And I'm tired of blogging. So bye. (for now! I'm not going to jump off a building or anything, don't worry)
Oh, one last thing. I'm not looking for sympathy with this post, or even empathy. I'm not really looking for advice, either. I'm mainly looking for listening, for curiosity, for the feeling that people are interested in what's going on with my life. I mean... you can make of this post as you will. But the reason why I prefer comments is that I know it's been read, despite the huge wall of text it is. And I mean, it's inconsistent. I know it is. But I do like to know what is troubling to hear, what is encouraging, etc.
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| I wonder if I still have readers. Or if you all have migrated over to MySpace or something. (ewwww, MySpace)
Anyway. Another long post, for the 2-3 of you that read this to read at your leisure.
It's kind of a random note, but sometime my sophomore year, someone from the Human Rights Campaign pulled me aside as I was walking to class and asked for my support. For those that don't know, the HRC is a LGBT-rights organization. I remember asking the organizer why it was, say, a more important cause than, say, poverty. Being impressed by his answer (that this represented a more solvable issue), I signed up, agreed for a $10/month contribution (which I still give), and am a somewhat-proud card-carrying member (since 2006!).
Of course, judging from the last few posts, I still consider myself a member of the Christian faith. In some cases, I question whether I would have been approached by that person had I, say, been working that "SPIRITUAL CONSTRUCTION" shirt that's somewhere in my closet. It was a question that nagged at me, and really was only dismissed rather than addressed-- my view of the country's laws is that they should be equitable and treat everyone fairly, and that LGBT people have the right to live lives free of both public and private harassment and to have their lifestyle affirmed by the world at large. Despite my personal views (delightfully ambiguous at that time), I am against hate crimes, job/housing discrimination and the like. In short, I support LGBT rights, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I've worked out the whole faith angle.
I think because very vocal Christian communities in particular are the ones leading the condemnation against LGBT rights, there's been a subsegment of HRC devoted precisely to the religious issue (http://www.hrc.org/issues/religion.asp). I think I was flipping at that page one time when I saw a trailer for this documentary about the intersection between homosexuality and Christianity (For the Bible Tells Me So, YouTube link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpJAucyX7RE). There, also, I encountered several arguments calling into question whether the Bible actually condemns homosexuality (apparently, near the Leviticus passage calling homosexuality an abomination, it also condemns eating shrimp-- the idea being that these were Jewish purity laws designed for that culture), which, actually, made quite a bit of sense to me.
Today, however, I actually watched it. And despite a few quirks (I didn't find the cartoon that great), I found it overall really, really impressive.
The main part of the documentary features five families, all from relatively conservative Christian backgrounds, each with a child that comes out at various stages in life. The reactions are all different, but they all include somehow adapting the view that homosexuality is wrong with the reality that their beloved child is gay. The responses are different-- some find themselves more supportive of their child, some continue to disapprove of the "lifestyle" while learning to adapt, the usual responses. One response, however, was particularly sad and disheartening.
Basically, one mother, when her daughter wrote to her that she "loves women," replied with a blistering letter calling her wrong, her lifestyle wrong, and that while her mother still loved her, she couldn't countenance her homosexuality. Some time passes, the mother tries to contact her daughter again (I think after nine months?), and received a reply that the mother's rejection had caused "colossal damage" on the daughter's psyche, and that the daughter wanted nothing more to do with her mother-- and then, eventually, a phone call about the daughter's suicide.
What's particularly striking is that it was the rejection of the lifestyle, the rejection of the daughter that essentially drove her to a place of feeling completely lost and unsupported. True, there was some stuff in the letter that would have hurt anyone, but it was particularly the idea of telling someone that he or she, in her inner character, did not measure up. I think, as well, there's a part of me saying that I don't want to wish that type of weight on anyone's conscience-- the knowledge that harsh words, particularly about an issue fraught with heavy cultural and religious significance-- can lead to incredible hurt and rejection, leading to drastic measures.
But yet, I feel that's what a lot of churches do when it comes to this issue. I don't know of any of my Christian friends who've done anything nearly as horrible as forcible rape or even holding picket signs with language such as "God hates [insert slur here]," but there's a general understanding that it is wrong. And admittedly, while I lean a lot more toward it being natural versus it being a nurtured lifestyle choice, I'm willing to keep a more open mind (particularly because I'm still not sure how to approach the Romans 1 passage). Yet I find the national debate harmful, because it spells out to a minority group that, essentially, we disapprove of them, their very nature and we somehow are willing to act to prevent them from holding the same basic rights that, forty-five or so years ago, we denied to people of color for being, well, people of color. Truth be told, by my somewhat outspoken way of carrying my faith--whether it's advertising for InterVarsity, quoting Scripture, wearing the T-shirts-- I probably represent a very unlikely person for someone to truth enough to come out to-- something that has bothered me more of late. After all, how am I to show love to someone struggling with their realization of their sexual orientation if they distrust me because of something I hold onto dearly?
There's a part of me that, while watching the anti-LGBT evangelicals on screen, wanted to throw some more Scripture back at them. The movie made the kind-of-cruel jab (excused somewhat by the fact that the creator is a mainline Protestant) that, for all the "Biblical literalism" people are into, they don't emphasize such commands as "give all you have to the poor, and you will have treasures in heaven." It's a bit heavy, but it does convey a lot of my sentiments. The mother, while wrestling with her daughter's death, notes that she started opening the Bible and really looked into the anti-gay sentiments she expressed earlier. Perhaps most powerful, I noted, was that on her tombstone, bottom right was Romans 8:35, 38, 39. Which expresses: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?... I[Paul] am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." We seem so ready to condemn homosexuality a sin, but really-- when compared with the sheer selfishness of humanity, the rampant injustices caused by the present social structure where billions starve, the practical atheism and unintellectual attitude of much of an American Christianity that has condoned a brutal structure of slavery (which it tries to brush past these days rather than repent of) and only slightly less brutal segregation-- homosexuality seems kind of inconsequential.
Yet, for all my willingness to criticize the church, I have to admit that I'm a part of it. I am complicit in this organization-- willingly complicit in many respects. I may not be really guilty of the hate, but I am responsible to do more than simply let it pass. There's a part of me that recognizes that the church is more-- SO much more-- than simply a reactionary supporter of, to be frank, evil draped in the respectability of holiness. But in that there's a recognition that large parts of the church have committed horrid acts that, quite frankly, stink in the nostrils of God. And as someone who, while I don't wear my religion only on my sleeve, is willing to be public about it, I also bear a responsibility to apologize for the wrongs-- including the massive wrongs it has committed upon the LGBT community, of denying the LGBT community the same stature as humans loved by God (no matter what else) and of failing to address the root core of the deep fissures between the two large clumpings, especially for those caught in between. And for those that find themselves leaning toward LGBT, I can only say that I seek your forgiveness for what acts have occurred in the name of my church-- my true home.
For, when it comes down to it, I have to admit that there's great power in the Bible-- yet that power has been misused by so many. I refuse to acknowledge that the Bible supported Hitler's rise-- that only makes sense if you completely misread virtually every single book for your cause and butcher the rest-- but the fact remains that the church there failed to effectively resist the growing tide of Nazism. For example, the idea that homosexuality is wrong isn't really a Biblical theme as far as I can tell, yet the fact remains that many people believe it is what the word of God says, and that has a power. It is, truth be told, in some ways, how one justifies it. There's a few verses-- the Romans (Romans 1, not 8) one in particular-- that I'm not fully sure how to wrestle with. But truth be told, I don't base my worldview on the complete Bible. I don't think many people do this side of Jesus-- we all have verses that particularly speak to us in our condition, and Romans 1 is a passage I take more generally-- the basic premise that man has committed evil acts outside of God is important, the details as to what acts less so. I have a general idea that my conscience will tell me that murder, theft, perjury, ill will, lust, and the like are bad-- as is oppression, rage, unrelenting anger. In contrast, conscience isn't all that pricked about homosexual monogamous relationships in the same manner.
But the other side is that I still believe the Bible has a great innate power to be more than a simple tool misused by demagogues against minority groups. The Sermon on the Mount was one of Gandhi's inspirations, perhaps one of the best expressions of active love. The message of Christlike love-- so often misunderstood!-- is one of a magnitude, a meaning, personally stronger than any other expression I've heard or seen. The vision of a world where, despite all the progress it seems evil is making, that eventually comes out with good on top speaks true-- that it's so hard and so fleeting in human history when love dominates over evil, but when that effort succeeds, it speaks to a strength evil cannot match. And when we weaken and evil emerges again, it leaves behind a memory of something better, something greater, something infinitely preferable to the misery and suffering that engulfs life-- that, somehow, speaks truth. No activist, no pursuer of Truth, no person of goodwill can seek to change the world without the hope that the world can be changed-- there's too much pain, too many obstacles, too much inertia for hard logic to overcome evil. Yet that is what the Bible speaks of-- of a faith, of a hope that the Loving Father, the Creator of the universe (whose works are fearfully and wonderfully made, according to Psalms), my Lord and Savior IS greater, is stronger, can overcome the heavy evils set before us. Do you need the Bible to do so? I don't know, probably not. But I, personally, have found a mission, a calling, a purpose in the Bible that far exceeds the purpose I receive from any other command.
People are often uncomfortable with that blind, naked zeal-- how do I know what's good? What's right? After all, while I didn't necessarily hold onto the arguments as gospel before, I have heard the idea that homosexuality is wrong and probably accepted it back then with a few grains of salt. It's a good question-- I try not to let my intolerant, zealous side show too often because I don't want to do something I'll deeply regret later-- but again, what feeds into anyone's zeal to do what's right? I assume that my use of the Bible is justified because it seems in accord-- I've never heard anyone condemning feeding the poor as a morally wrong action in of itself (it's more a question of efficacy, that it prevents the poor from getting the desire to do work/lift himself up, and thus it's morally wrong to do actions that encourage that). But to deny that blind, naked zeal that sometimes wells up within me is to deny my convictions.
Anyway. That's enough of a post to let me off the hook for at least another month. Besides. Every time you visit, you get to read this again and continue to digest it! And I probably have, by word count, almost as many words as some of you more constant bloggers...
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| Mmmm. Blogging. I never blog anymore. Maybe it's because it's too late to do any other work, yet I can't fall asleep.
I don't know why I'm on staff this year anymore. Well, I do in some ways-- I signed up for it again, I'm not doing a bad job at it, etc. etc.-- but I feel like I've lost the passion and the idealistic vision I used to have being dorm staff. I think a lot of it is that this year I feel as if I'm simply a resource they can tap when they have issues (particularly of the computing variety).
I know for me, the idealistic vision of being dorm staff is the unique position of being trusted and getting to know people within the dorm. It's not really the pay, the single, or the other small joys of receiving endless compliments that give the same sense of fulfillment. In a way, my view of dorm staff is a unique opportunity to witness to others, to be an example (mostly passively, but actively if it's welcome) of authentic (if not perfect) Christianity and to influence positive change. I think recently it's been (in my view) the utter inability of myself to see that view as anything other than a pipe dream that's been affecting my staffing abilities as of late. For if I'm not being used by God in any way to create a positive culture in the dorm, yet alone bear witness to God's work in my life, then why in the world am I here?
It probably doesn't help that I still feel isolated in general-- I feel that I haven't been actively trying and nor have (most) others been actively trying to keep in contact. I know for my end, I feel at times that I just don't want to-- a few too many times of just feeling emotionally drained and not wanting to again open up with the same five stories about how my life is to other people.
But even more than that, it's struggling with the whole desire of wanting to make an impact. I refuse to let go of the idea that I should invest myself fully in what I want to see happen, yet I also struggle with the idea that so often what I want is out of my control and is likely not happening. It's hard to shake the feeling of failure, not as a general staff person, but as the staff member I want to be, when what I want as a staff member is ultimately not in my control. And it's harder still to prevent that failure from then draining my desire to be active, thus creating a vicious cycle.
Oftentimes these days, I feel that I've turned too bitter, too cynical to be really healthy. I feel worth and value, yet that's all muddled up in this strange image that I don't really understand, in a sin-stricken world that I feel survives more through the apathy of the powerful than the failings of the divine. That's mixed in with a personal view of self that feels too often tolerated but not often valued, a view long-held if not always accurate.
Truth be told, I think a lot of my faith in God rests in the fact that my life before God was pretty much the unhappy upper-middle-class geek life. I found that pursuing God gave a purpose to my life, but it also lifted me out of the morass of discontentment and lack of self-value that I had as a kid. Yet that feels-- and in a lot of ways is-- a long time ago, and I think a lot of it is coming back in how I just don't have that security that I am truly loved by God and cared for by family and friends that I feel should be natural and healthy to have. It's partially that senior-year type reflection-- I'm leaving soon-- that makes me realize that I've made a whole lot of acquaintances, survived with several different groups of companions (not the romantic/sexual type), but I haven't really cemented many true friendships that I think will survive graduation (especially with my desire to get out of the state). It's a human desire to be loved, and truth be told, I don't really expect that I will be loved by other people most of the time. Yet it's really hard to shake away that childhood desire to be appreciated by others (gee, what a surprise).
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